


Make It Sound Like a Love Refrain

by orphan_account



Series: WinterIron [1]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Aunt Peggy Carter, BAMF Bucky Barnes, Bullying, Child Abuse, Childhood Sexual Abuse, Childhood Trauma, Hurt Tony Stark, M/M, Protective Bucky Barnes, Self-Hatred, Tony Stark Does What He Wants, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony Stark Has Daddy Issues, Tony Stark Has Issues, Tony Stark Has Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, Tony Stark Needs a Hug, Tony Stark-centric
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-20
Updated: 2018-07-20
Packaged: 2019-06-13 17:00:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,872
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15369165
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Tony can't remember too many times in his life when his name wasn't said like a forbidden, profane word.





	Make It Sound Like a Love Refrain

**Author's Note:**

> This really sprouted legs and ran away from me lmao! ANYWAY !! please leave comments

“Tony.” Maria. Annoyed

“Tony!” Pepper, embarrassed.

“Anthony.” Ana. Ashamed.

“Tony!” Rhodey. Fed up. Giving up on Tony. Maybe not forever, but for now.

“Anthony Edward Stark!” Howard. Angry. Enraged. Violent, hateful, disappointed.

“Tony.” Bruce. Sad, let down.  _ Not enough, not enough, not enough. _

Tony can’t remember many times he’s heard his first name used in a way that didn’t make it sound like a forbidden, profane word. He’s always associated it with his mother’s shame, his own failure as a friend, his father’s violence and hatred. The people who loved him as a child were few and far between, and none of them used his given name often. Ana Jarvis called him ‘csillag’, and the Hungarian term of endearment still fills him with warmth and love when he thinks of it. He uses it often when he’s alone with Bucky, but he burst into heartbroken tears the one time Bucky tried to use it for him. Edwin always referred to him as ‘my boy’. Peggy called him ‘little one’ well into his forties.

He prefers to just be Mr. Stark. The family name is married with power - a strength of iron where his given name carries shame and guilt. Peter calls him Mr. Stark. Fury and the Avengers call him Stark. Maybe they do it to distance themselves from him. No one wants to be close with the Merchant of Death, but they’re his friends, and he loves them. His real self is far more repulsive than his reputation for weapons dealing, so he’d rather be known for his past crimes.

Tony’s earliest memory is of his father. Tony is three years old, and he’s crafty. He’s managed to slip away from Ana - something he could never accomplish under Edwin or Peggy’s care, regardless of his intelligence. He’s tiny, and maybe that’s why his parents have forgotten him, but it allows him to sneak undetected into the lab to watch his father work. Howard is speaking to Obadiah in a hushed voice, eyebrows furrowed in frustration. Tony toddles over and tugs on his pant leg.

“Hi, daddy,” he says sweetly, smiling up at Howard as the man stares back at him belligerently. “Hi, Obie.”

“Hey, bud,” Obadiah says in that booming voice, smiling his unsettling shark’s grin.

“Stane,” Howard says, clapping a hand across his friend’s back. “Leave me and the boy, will you? We’re gonna have a little chat, man to man.”

That’s the first time Howard ever hits Tony. He learns to never interrupt his father’s work again. From then on, Howard spits Tony’s name like a curse. Tony begins to believe that it is.

-

“Tony.” Maria. Exhausted. Irritated.  _ Waste of time, you dumb little boy. You stupid liar. You’ll ruin someone’s life lying like that.  _ Disdain. Shame. Disgust. 

“Oh, fuck, Tony.” Obie. Violating. Overwhelming. Sickening. Deserved.  _ Don’t you want to be a man, Anthony? _ __  
_  
_ When Tony is only ten years old, Edwin Jarvis dies. Late-stage lung cancer. He tries not to cry at the funeral - knows it makes him weak. He fails to keep from crying when Ana leaves, and he realizes that everyone who loves him is gone now. Peggy is busy with SHIELD, and maybe if he hadn’t been such a disappointment, they would have stayed. His father laughs at his tears, and then he beats him for them. With Peggy, Ana, and Edwin gone, Obadiah is Tony’s new babysitter, and he ignores the boy for the most part. He’s busy running SI’s distribution from the Stark mansion while Tony reads and tries to make himself even smaller.

One day, though - a rainy Tuesday - Obie hangs up the phone and looks at Tony with that shark’s grin.

“Anthony, would you like to learn what it means to be a man? Make your daddy proud?” Of course, Tony nods eagerly. That’s all he’s ever wanted.

That evening, when he tells Howard and Maria about the things Uncle Obie taught him, they frown. All anyone seems to do when Tony opens his mouth is frown. He can tell from these frowns, though, that he’s made a real mistake.

“Tony,” Maria says, irritation heavy on her voice. “You’re too old to be playing pretend. You could ruin the poor man’s life with a lie like that.”

That night, Tony’s father beats him until he passes out. He wishes he had Ana and Edwin. He wishes he had  _ someone.  _ He wishes Aunt Peggy could take him far away from this place.

-

“Do you really think Tony Stark has a conscience?” It’s Clint’s voice, and Tony’s heart drops. He’s walking from the kitchen, but he stops in his tracks outside the door to the living room, where a few of the Avengers are sitting around the coffee table drinking.  


“Sure,” Wanda says with a laugh. “When having a conscience makes him look good for the press.”

“The guy’s like an android. I doubt he even has feelings.” That’s Natasha, and Tony feels tears pool behind his eyes at that. He tries to harden his face and walks back into the living room carrying the bottle of bourbon he just retrieved from the kitchen.

“Drink up,” he says, and his voice only wobbles slightly. He’s fully planning on just carrying on as if some of the people he considers his closest friends weren’t just talking about him, but it seems that he’s not the only one who overheard the conversation. Everyone’s faces fall, and Tony turns to see a livid Bucky Barnes entering the room.

“Hey, Bucky,” Bruce says, lifting his glass in cheers. “How was the mission?”   
  
“Don’t give me that shit, Banner,” Bucky growls walking to wrap his flesh arm protectively around Tony’s waist. Tony relaxes into his side inadvertently, and the relaxation causes tears to spring back up in his eyes. “What makes ya think you can talk like that about the man givin’ you all a place to live? Not to mention someone that considers you a friend?” Tony feels Bucky’s grip tighten on his hip, and it makes him feel safe.

“Oh, c’mon, Barnes,” Clint says. “We were just messing around. Stark doesn’t care, right, man?”   
  
_ Tony doesn’t care. Tony doesn’t feel. Feelings are for men who are weak. Feelings are for liars and babies and idiots. _ Tony doesn’t realize he hasn’t answered until Steve walks into the room behind Bucky. He feels panic building in his chest as he prepares to flee.

“What’s up?” Steve asks, confusion at the silence clear in his voice.

“Damn,” Tony says, forcing a laugh and a charming smile.  _ Hold it together, little bitch. Hold it together, Anthony.  _ “I really know how to kill a mood. And here I was thinking I was the life of the party! I’ll leave you guys to it.”   
  
Tony pulls himself free of Bucky’s grip and runs from the room. He can hear Clint saying something about how  _ see, he doesn’t care. Nothing bothers that dude.  _ He finally lets the tears fall when he gets on the elevator. FRIDAY’s nice, but he misses JARVIS during times like this. He  __ needs  JARVIS during times like this. Tony ruins everything he loves.

-

Bucky finds Tony passed out, curled up as small as he can get on Bucky’s side of the bed. He frowns and tries to keep himself from getting angry again. Tony doesn’t need anger. Not with the way Bucky can see tear tracks running down his cheeks. Bucky has never seen his boyfriend cry.

“Tony,” he says softly, shaking Tony as gently as he can, but he still startles when he wakes up.

“I’m sorry, Howard,” he says, jumping back with a panicked look on his face. Bucky frowns. “Please don’t...Bucky?”

“Yeah, baby, it’s me. Can we talk?” Bucky sits on the opposite side of the king-sized bed, not wanting to make Tony uncomfortable. He just nods, and Bucky pats the bed beside him. When Tony hesitantly crawls over, he wraps him in a warm embrace. “Hi, Tony. What’s goin’ on in that head?”

“‘M sorry,” Tony says. “I’m sorry I’m so bad. You deserve someone better. Stronger.”   
  
“Tony.” He flinches at the repeated use of his name, and Bucky pulls him closer. “You never hafta apologize to me, okay? ‘Specially not for somethin’ you didn’t do. You are so good, Tony. You are so beautiful, and kind, and generous. I’m sorry the others were bein’ so mean earlier. They shoulda never said that stuff. It’s not true at all.”   
  
“Why’s everyone hate me, Bucky?” Tony sobs, burying his face in his boyfriend’s chest. “There’s something wrong with me. Everyone leaves. They were right. I don’t have a conscience. I’m selfish, and stupid, and weak. Even Obie turned on me, Buck. He used me up and then he didn’t want me anymore, so he took over Stark cause I was too stupid to stop him.”   
  
“Tony, what are you talking about? You did stop him. Obadiah is dead, baby. It’s his fault that he betrayed you.”

“I wasn’t lying,” Tony cries, and he’s fully panicking now. Bucky doesn’t know what to do. “I don’t think I was lying. Maria and Howard said I was lying, but I wasn’t.”   
  
“Tony.” Bucky is incredibly confused now. He didn’t know Tony when everything happened with Obadiah, but he does know that Howard and Maria Stark were long-dead by the time it went down. “Doll, I think you’re confused. What’s on your mind?”   
  
“I wasn’t lying, Bucky!” Tony is practically screaming now; Bucky can tell he’s in pain. “I wasn’t lying. He said he was gonna help me make my dad proud. He said he would teach me to be a man. Did I deserve it?”

“You hafta tell me what you’re talkin’ about, Tony,” Bucky says quietly, but his gut is churning. He knows the implications here. Tony starts scratching deep into his arms, and Bucky takes both of his hands in the metal hand to keep him from hurting himself.

“Obie and I…” Tony whimpers, trying to tug free. “We had sex, Bucky, I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry.”

“Tony, it’s okay, shhh. It’s okay. Ya don’t gotta feel guilty about anythin’ that happened before we were together. Baby, why are you so upset about this? It’s okay.” Bucky takes a deep, shuddering breath, then asks the question he’s dreading the answer to. “Tony, how old were you? When you and Obadiah...had sex?”

“I don’t remember,” Tony moans miserably. “I was taking calculus? He told me to keep studying while he…”

“Oh, Tony.” Bucky can feel himself starting to cry. “God, you must’a been… Oh my god.”

“I think maybe I was ten or eleven?”

“Yeah, Doll, you don’t hafta talk about it anymore. You’re safe, okay?”   
  
“I’m sorry,” Tony says, and he’s so far gone now. “I’m sorry I’m Tony. I’m sorry I’m not enough. I deserved it, didn’t I?”

“Never, ever apologize for that,” Bucky says firmly, holding Tony tightly. “I love you, Tony. I wouldn’t want anyone else, baby. You are good enough, I promise. You didn’t deserve what that fuckin’ monster did to you.”

“I love you, Bucky,” Tony says, and then he starts to drift off. “I’m sorry.”

That’s gonna take some work. Bucky holds Tony as close as he can.

**Author's Note:**

> csillag (hungarian): darling, star


End file.
